All The Fears (And a Nice Way to Wrap Up the Day.)

I’m taking myself down the road to Quandialla this week to host a women’s gathering and I am feeling all of those fears that crop up when something new, important and exciting is on the horizon.

I have a fear of failure. I fear being seen and judged. I have a fear of holding space for other women and not living up to expectations (those would be mine.) I have been critical of others in the past – especially women – who have stuck their neck out and tried something new. And now I’m doing exactly that so now I am critical of myself.

So many fears, so little time.

And with that out of the road, let me tell you that I cannot be more excited to be sharing what I know with this tiny rural community of women.

I’m getting into it and rather than use all the excuses that have popped up recently – I don’t have time; it’s too hard; I don’t know what I’m doing; is my message important enough anyway? I’m GOING TO GET INTO IT!

In my planning for Thursday night in Quandi, I’m going to lead one of my most favourite rituals. It’s an ‘end of the day’ wind down thing and I have found it helps me in so many ways to reflect on the day and take positive steps into the next one.

It’s a mash up of a Recapitulation technique – used in the Aruyvedic tradition that Robyn Lynch introduced to me – and also a version of it was shared with us at a recent school staff retreat. The origins in the Catholic tradition are from Ignatius Loyola and my Grandad’s name was Leonard Ignatius Carney and I think he’d love this.

The idea is that I take a few minutes at the end of my day, sitting somewhere comfy and quiet and to get in the mood I take a few deep breaths. Then I take a quick look back, starting in the morning, and run over the day’s events in my mind. If I get stuck on one thing, like burning the porridge and how it stunk the house out, then that’s fine, but I try and skim over the day without spending too much time on any one specific event.

Then I take a pencil and on the back of a scrap piece of paper, reflect on a few points:

  • I’ll think of something that went well and that lifted me up. (All the while, I am paying attention to my emotions, my feelings and general mood while I’m doing this.) For example the time I spent outside weeding the garden today.
  • I’ll come up with something that didn’t go so well and what is was that sucked the gas out of me. For example getting impatient with Lenny at bath time.
  • And from there, I come up with something I would like to do differently tomorrow. (Here’s where I get specific and I include my desires for myself, for others, and for the world.) For example tomorrow I’d like to skip bath time and be OK with that. 
  • Then lastly, I will list three things I am most grateful for and perhaps why they come to mind. For example I am grateful for the peewee that sits on our swing set chattering away (she sounds so peaceful); the beautiful lunch I made (it filled me right up) and the gorgeous women I spend time with at work (who I have the best laughs with.)

This whole thing takes about five minutes and is a beautiful way to prepare for sleep and to let the day go – those recurring thoughts are being dealt with. I’ve been practising this for a while and it’s still a work in progress but my sleep has improved and my outlook is very positive as I lay my head down – and actually when I wake up as well.

Thanks for reading today – you have helped me verbalise this practice and I’m sure the Quandialla night is going to be a massive hit (look at me go!)

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